I AM Alive! :)

Yes, I have not written in two months. Why? I felt like I had nothing to talk about. When I got home from school, I went through many tests and I was diagnosed with depression. I was scared to talk about it for awhile. I couldn't get out of bed, I felt completely worthless, I thought the world would be better off without me, I was scared to go outside, and I just didn't feel like me anymore. It was the most frustrating thing I have ever gone through. I got so bad that my mom had to carry me to the car to get me to go to the doctor. I have now been on anti-depressants for two months and I have been going to counseling and I am glad to say that I am doing GREAT. I am back to being Heather again. I was dancing in the kitchen the other day and my sister just giggled and said, "You're back." I have had so much support from my family and friends during this time and I am so blessed.

My mom has also had some health scares during this time. They thought she had breast cancer and cervical cancer. But we found out she has Stage 0 breast cancer, which means cancer could develop so we just have to watch her and they removed a cancerous part from her cervix so she is fine! It was very stressful for awhile but now she is healthy.

We are still looking for jobs...both me and my mom. It is horrible. There are NO jobs in Olympia...if you want to know. Especially with the hiring freeze on all state jobs, which is the majority of full-time jobs that are here! But we are still working on it and we are still staying positive.

I have never been so close to my mom and sister as I have become during these last few months. We have learned that we have each other and that is what is most important. We have learned to trust and have faith that everything will work out. Yes, I sometimes still get lonely because I miss having friends around, but overall...I can say that I am happy and incredibly blessed and I am so lucky for all that I have.

Why I Moved Home

So...here is my story. Since February when I learned that I had full scholarships to grad school I have been uneasy. It was my dream handed to me on a silver platter, yet I was never 100 percent excited, which always bothered me. But I knew I would regret not going and it was the best option. So I decided to go.

However, this summer I kept getting sick. I would get migraines and I just haven't felt like myself. I haven't been happy-go-lucky Heather. I just haven't felt like myself and I knew I wasn't in the best condition to go to school, but I still went.

After 4 days there, I was having panic attacks and I was throwing up a lot. I just knew I had to go home. It takes me months and months to make a decision. But one night I was staring at my computer and I thought, "What is most important to you RIGHT now?" It was easy: My mom and my sister. I just needed to be with them. I was exhausted...I did 4 years of college in 3 years, I have always had a job, I was overloading myself. I was mentally and physically run down and I knew that I needed to refresh. I didn't want grad school right now, it wasn't the right time. So I made my decision to defer for a year, so I have the possibility of starting grad school next September.

Once I made my decision, I was at such peace. I knew it was right. I knew I was doing what I needed to do. I drove 4 twelve-hour days and I finally arrived home. As I had my blinker on to turn into my mom and sister's apartment, my phone rang. It was my mom. She lost her job about 15 minutes before I arrived in Lacey. Yes...what a blow.

I have cried and cried and cried. I have thought over and over about how I wish things were easier. I have worried about how I will be able to handle this when I am already sick and overwhelmed. But I know I can. I am going to the doctor next week and hopefully that will help. Every single day I get so dizzy and nauseated I have to sit down or I almost pass out. Maybe it is just stress. I just need to de-stress. But I also need a job. My mom and I have to come up with money for rent and food because we had no savings left. So pray that I find a job.

I am so glad I am home. If I hadn't graduated in three years, if I hadn't come home, I wouldn't have been able to help my mom and sister. I really am so blessed and I know it. So everything will be ok...I just have to make it through this little rough patch.

On My Way . . . to Washington

I am leaving this afternoon to drive back to Washington. It is a long story. If you want to know it, you can call me. I won't arrive in Lacey until Monday night. Pray that I have a safe trip.

I am in New Jersey!

I made it here. But the first thing I noticed about New Jersey: THE ROADS SUCK. They are not clearly marked, roads have 4 different names, the roads change their name randomly, and the main streets are through residential neighborhoods. It is so confusing. My mom and I both cried one day because we couldn't find our way back to my apartment.

So it is muggy and hot here and my hair will not go straight and it is driving me absolutely crazy. But my school is nice. Here is the sign when you drive in on Normal Avenue. Isn't that funny that I live on Normal Avenue?

Here is where I live...right across the street is the train station that takes me right into Manhattan. So that is really nice. I have met two of my roommates...I have three. We are all grad students. One, named Katy, is from New Jersey and did her undergrad at Rutgers. The other, Singi, is originally from Zimbabwe and did her undergrad in South Carolina. So we are a diverse group! But I feel comfortable here, so that is good. The funny thing is that there are SO MANY groundhogs. They pop out everywhere and run. I think they are chasing me. I screamed so loud the first time I saw one...they are HUGE.

The coolest thing...this is the view of NYC from campus...what do you think???

So now I am alone in New Jersey. My mom left yesterday. I cried so hard. But I made it home from the Newark Airport and I didn't get lost. But that is only because I have a GPS system that tells me when to turn right and left. :) But I feel so alone. I miss my mom and my sister so badly. I love them so much and it will be so long before I see them and it breaks my heart. So right now I just keep crying but I also keep praying. I hope I will be ok. I know this will be worth it. I just wish my family and all the friends that I love were here with me to make me laugh. So I start school tomorrow...now I am an East Coast girl.

Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, and Pennsylvania

Then we drove through Minnesota...where we got caught in an extremely HUGE rainstorm. It was hilarious. When I put gas in my car, I got soaking wet and the wind slammed my car door on my mom's hair and she was stuck. Haha. Then we drove to Durand and Mondovi, Wisconsin. My grandma grew up in Durand and my grandpa grew up in Mondovi. I was so excited to see where they lived!

This is the Holy Rosary Church where my grandparents got married on August 20, 1946. It still looks exactly the same. Nothing has changed. I recognized the doors from my grandparents' wedding pictures. It was neat to be there. I also went to the cemetery and saw where my great-grandparents and great-great grandparents were buried.
I had to take a picture with corn...it is all there was in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, and Indiana. Haha. This corn, however, is on my great-aunt's farm in Wisconsin.

Then we went to Chicago. It was really cool. This is the Sears Tower. We went on a river architecture tour. We went on the Chicago River and saw all of Chicago and went under all of the 23 bridges throughout the city. It is a really unique city.

Here is one of the bridges...it was cool. My mom and I had a fight in Chicago, however. It was because I got us lost in the south side of Chicago. Not a good idea. I am glad that we didn't die!

Indiana was pretty boring. But once I got to Ohio, I was so happy. That's because I got to go to Cedar Point. It is an amusement park that is on Lake Erie. It was so pretty going on rollercoasters with water surrounding you. But, I was so happy because I went on the tallest and fastest rollercoaster in the world. Yes, in 3 seconds you get to 120 mph, then you go straight up 420 feet and straight down 420 feet. It was the most amazing feeling. Doesn't that look like a crazy rollercoaster???

Washington, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, and South Dakota

My trip to New Jersey started off EARLY. I left very early on August 23 and drove all the way through Washington, Idaho, and stopped in Butte, Montana. Montana was pretty...it reminded me of Utah and Colorado. In Butte, there was a HUGE statue of the Virgin Mary up on the TOP of the Rockies. It lit up at night and was really pretty to see. The next day, my mom and I drove to Yellowstone National Park. I loved it. It was beautiful. I learned that Yellowstone is the top of a volcano...for some reason, I NEVER knew that. Haha. But I saw Old Faithful, I saw all of the paint pots, the colored pools, the steam rocks, and I got plenty of the wonderful smell of sulfur. The only funny thing was...I only saw one butt of an elk and two chipmunks...NO OTHER ANIMALS!!! :)

Here I am at the Grand Canyon on Yellowstone, looking at the waterfall. It was GORGEOUS.

This is the Yellowstone River. I wanted to jump in...I was pretty hot. :)

Then the next day we drove through Wyoming and we went to Devil's Tower. I learned the Native American legend about how the rock came to look that way. I also learned this is a very sacred place to Native Americans and they go here to pray and meditate. There were prayers shawls throughout the trees. It was cool. I just wanted mashed potatoes afterwards...(have you seen Close Encounters of the Third Kind...you will understand that if you have!!)

Then we got to South Dakota. We went to Sturgis and Deadwood. Sturgis is where there is the annual biker gathering. So there were motorcycles and biker bars EVERYWHERE. My mom found a cute biker to get a picture with!!! Haha. Deadwood is an old, little Western town. It was so cute. It was where Wild Bill and Calamity Jane lived. My mom really loved it and wants to live there now.

The next day we drove through the Black Hills, the Badlands, Mount Rushmore, and Crazy Horse. It was SO COOL. I love western South Dakota. The Black Hills were gorgeous and I really liked Mount Rushmore...while we were there wild sheep kept running by us...it was pretty entertaining.

Support the Troops

I am from Washington. More specifically, I am from Lacey, which is basically Olympia. My point? I grew up in probably the most liberal town you can find in the United States. I am not heavy into politics but I pay enough attention. I am too liberal for conservatives and I am too conservative for liberals. I am very moderate. :) However, there is one thing that really bothers me--when people do NOT support the troops.

I was driving to get gas in my car the other day and I saw a protest. All of these people were against the war in Iraq. I am ok with that--you can express your opinion in any way that you feel. You can support the war or you can think it was the worst mistake the U.S. has made in a long time. But SUPPORT THE TROOPS. The reason I am so outraged is because some of the people were screaming and cussing about how horrible the troops were and how the soldiers were murderers and liars. I felt like I was in the Vietnam era...it was weird. But it made me so mad. Our American soldiers are out in the Middle East and they are doing their duty to God and to their country. They are doing their job. They are risking their lives. They are leaving behind their wives and their husbands and their children. They are sacrificing so much because they made an oath to be a soldier and be in the military. It is no an easy path. These people are courageous and every person should be thankful that there are so many people willing to defend our freedoms and to go wherever the government asks them to. The troops deserve love and prayers. So...whether you support the war in Iraq...I don't care...I don't know if I even do or not. All I know is that I am proud to be an American and I am proud to be protected by them.

As many of you know, Zach's dad, Gary, is a colonel in the Army. Gary has been my second father. For the last five years, he has been the father I needed and could turn to when I needed help. No matter whether I was his son's girlfriend or not, he always loved and supported me and gave me the loving, fatherly advice I craved. Gary left on July 19 for Iraq. Luckily, he should only be gone until the middle of November. He volunteered to go right now so that he would not miss his Nathaniel's wedding and Ben and Zach's return from their missions next summer. I love Gary...he has been the best father I could ask for. Please keep him and his family in your prayers.

I Do So Promise . . .

I do so promise from this day forth to write a blog at least once a week so that my friends will stop harassing me! Haha. But I am sorry that I have not written since I left Utah and moved back to Washington! Here is what has happened:

Just so you know...I did graduate from BYU. :)

I still can't believe that I have my bachelor's degree.

My sister is so gorgeous...I am jealous.

This is Beth and Christy. I worked with both of them at the Religious Studies Center. I miss Beth so much (the one in the middle). I talked to her every day. She is going to law school this fall at the University of Idaho.

This is one of my all time favorite pictures! This is right after I got my diploma and I found my mom. I ran to her and was so happy. My sister was taking the picture and we didn't know it.

My brother graduated from high school too!! Believe me, it was a freaking miracle!!! :)

I have never seen him so happy in his life. I was so proud of him!

Eric asked Marissa and I to get dressed really early. He bought a shirt and tie...quite shocking...ironed his gown and was ready to go THREE HOURS before the ceremony. It was so cute to see how great it felt to accomplish his goal.

This is what I have been up to in Washington: I work full-time at the Western Institutional Review Board! It is a place that reviews drug studies and they make sure that all human subjects are protected. It is a great place to work; however, my job is not so much fun. I am their intern so I have to do whatever they tell me. Haha. But I have enjoyed having a job where I get to see my mom every day and eat lunch with her. My daily tasks include scanning sign-in sheets, data entry, shredding paper, and editing company policies.

I bought a car!! It is a 1998 Honda Accord. It is gold and silvery in color...some days I think it is silver, other days I think it is gold. I love it. It is automatic, it has a sun roof, a CD player, brand new tires, brakes, timing belt, transmission, etc. It should last me a long time! I get to drive all the way to New Jersey in it.

I went to Colorado to visit my friend, Justin, and his family. I had so much fun. His sisters, Cassie and Mikayla, are awesome! They made me feel at home and I was so sad to leave. But I now know that I love Colorado and maybe I can live there some day. I know I want to.

The greatest thing about being home this summer is that I have been able to spend so much time with my sister. She is now 14 and she will be starting Timberline in September. We have gone to movies, shopping, out to eat, we make cookies, we watch TV, we laugh, and we just get sister time. The last three years, I have been in Utah or I have been with Zach when I am home and we haven't had a lot of time to spend together. I am so grateful to have this time. Marissa is amazing and I love her. She is the best sister I could ask for. She has been through a lot but she keeps smiling and she is one of my best examples.

She even cut my hair and gave me bangs. She did a great job!

People say we look alike...but I don't know. :)

MY DECISION

I will be . . .

moving to . . .

NEW JERSEY

in August.

I will be getting my master's degree in organizational communication and strategic public relations with an emphasis in health care. :)

I'm finally at peace. I am going to cry so hard to leave everyone I love but this is where I am supposed to be and because I know that, I know I will make it.

Colorado or New Jersey?

Ok. All of my wonderful friends, I need help. I need pros and cons. I have narrowed down all of my choices to (1) Colorado or (2) New Jersey. I will either be teaching elementary school in Denver through the Teach for America program. Or I will be attending grad school at Montclair State University. First I will give you the pros I can think of.

NEW JERSEY
1) I will be a quick train ride away from Manhattan
2) I get my master's degree for FREE
3) I will have awesome opportunities for internships
4) I will make my family proud of me (I am the first to graduate from college)
5) I will be on the East Coast
6) I will get to make new friends at a new school

COLORADO
1) I will have a salary
2) I will become certified as a teacher for the state of Colorado
3) I can make a difference in a child's life
4) It is pretty there and I will still get to have mountains
5) I will get about 10,000 dollars to attend school after my two years of teaching are done
6) I can be done teaching in two years if I hate it or I can stay and work as a teacher for the rest of my life if I love it

Now for the cons:

NEW JERSEY
1) It is a long plane ride home and I HATE airplanes
2) It is really expensive to live there and I probably can't afford a car
3) I don't know ANYONE and I don't have any family or friends close by
4) I am burnt out because I went through school for three years straight and need a break


COLORADO
1) I won't be furthering my education
2) I could lose my full-ride to grad school (if they can't defer it, which they might be able to)
3) My family doesn't want me to do this
4) It is an extremely hard and demanding job and I would have to work really hard at it and I would be heartbroken if I couldn't make a difference

Ok...that is what I could think of off the top of my head. So, what other pros and cons can you think of??

First Blog!

Here I am about to embark on my last finals week at BYU ever. And what do I do instead of studying? I start a blog.

I figured that I should start this because I have no idea where I am going or what I am doing with my life. So wherever I end up: Washington, Utah, Virginia, Colorado, New York, New Jersey, Nevada, or Arizona, I can keep everyone posted on my life.

Here is what is happening so far. I graduate from BYU on April 24, 2008! Woo hoo. I started BYU in August 2005, so it went pretty quickly. My major is English and my minor is in editing. This whole year I have worked at the Religious Studies Center at BYU. I absolutely love being an editor there. It is so much fun and I am going to miss everyone I work with. I learned so much while I was there. I got to read talks by General Authorities and religion professors for twenty hours a week...it was great!

If there is one thing people know about me it is that I HATE Utah. HATE--with a fiery passion. But now that I only have 9 days possibly left in Utah I realize that I love it. I love the people I have met, I love the mountains, I love the snow, I love the sun, I love the horrible streets and sidewalks, I love the fast drivers, I love the temples, I just love this state. Who would have thought?

This fall I will either be attending grad school at Fordham University (Bronx, New York), George Mason University (Farifax, Virginia), or Montclair State University (Montclair, New Jersey). I already turned down the University at Albany, even though I had a full-ride scholarship. I am a little crazy. But I still have a full-ride to MSU so we will see what happens.

I have also been accepted to Teach for America. That means I would be a teacher for two years in low-income school districts. I would be teaching in schools where the children are behind in their assessments and it is my job to try to get them up to the educational standard that they should be at. I will find out tomorrow if I could be teaching in Colorado, Nevada, or Arizona.

So I have to make a huge decision that will change my life in less than a week. Wow. I need to make the best of my last week in Utah.